349: Why Your One-on-Ones Are Failing Your Team

Most managers think strong leadership means holding regular one-on-one meetings. But if those conversations are nothing more than project updates and task reviews, your team is not being led. They are being supervised.

In this episode of The Mid-Career GPS Podcast, leadership and career coach, keynote speaker, and host John Neral breaks down the three leadership skills that separate transactional managers from impactful leaders. If you are a mid-career professional trying to become a stronger leader, get promoted, improve team performance, or create more influence at work, this episode gives you practical leadership strategies you can use immediately.

We start by rethinking the purpose of one-on-one meetings. Instead of treating them like weekly status reports, I share a simple framework centered around clarity, ownership, and growth so your conversations become more intentional, developmental, and productive.

Then we tackle one of the biggest leadership mistakes I see: avoiding direct feedback. Too many managers soften difficult conversations to avoid discomfort, only to create confusion, frustration, and poor performance later. I explain why the “be nice” instinct often backfires and how employees end up blindsided during performance reviews because no one addressed the issue earlier.

You will also learn a practical XYZ feedback framework you can immediately apply with your team: “When you did X, it impacted Y, and going forward, I need you to do Z.”

Finally, we explore one of the most overlooked leadership responsibilities: advocacy. Strong leaders do more than manage performance. They represent their people when those employees are not in the room. I share how advocating for your team by naming wins, connecting contributions to business outcomes, and creating visibility can lead to stronger engagement, stretch opportunities, promotions, and career growth.

If you want to improve your leadership presence, become a more trusted manager, and position yourself for greater career advancement, this episode will challenge how you think about leadership and show you how to SHOW UP more intentionally.

Transcript

Welcome And Who The Show Serves

John Neral 0:03

Hello, my friends, and welcome to the Mid-Career GPS Podcast. I'm your host, John Narrell. This is the show for mid-career professionals who feel stuck, undervalued, and unsure what's next, and know that doing more isn't the answer. Here we focus on how you show up, how you make clear decisions, build influence, and take control of your career. Let's get started. Well,

Why Holding One On Ones Is Not Enough

John Neral 0:31

last week's episode had some reactions to it. See, in last week's episode, I encouraged you to stop canceling your one-on-one meetings. And I talked with you about how important and vital it is to hold those one-on-one meetings with fidelity, meaning you don't cancel them. If you have to, you reschedule them with 24 hours and you truly use them as a development conversation between you and your team and to also take greater ownership of your check-in meetings or your one-on-one meetings that you're having with your leadership and your supervisor. So that was episode 348. And hopefully, as a result of that episode, you are taking more consistent effort and commitment to really showing up better for your team and being there for them. And that matters. That was absolutely one of the goals I had. But let me be very clear about something. Simply having the meeting doesn't make you a strong leader. I see this all the time. Mid-career managers show up, they sit down, they ask a few questions, and they completely waste the opportunity that can be had inside of that meeting. If you are merely checking the box, your team is not growing. And given that you are their manager, their supervisor, their leader, if your team isn't growing, neither are you. So today, I'm going to give you three leadership skills that will completely change how your team experiences you and how they see you showing up as a leader.

Intentional One On Ones With Three Prompts

John Neral 2:36

And this is the difference between actually managing their work and actually leading people. So one of my show up six strategies is called having intentional conversations. And the goal of having an intentional conversation is we move the relationship forward. Now, moving the relationship forward doesn't mean that we always end up with a cheery, rosy, let's all hug it out kind of great resolution. Sometimes moving the resolute the relationship forward doesn't result in a happy ending, let's say. Sometimes moving the relationship forward means, you know, you have to give difficult feedback, or it may lead to them leaving the company, or it leads to a termination, or you get feedback in some way from your leadership that they're not entirely pleased with the work that you're doing. So it's not always this quote-unquote happy kind of result. But when you lead with an intentional conversation, when you approach every check-in meeting as an opportunity to move that relationship forward, you are doing far more than merely getting a status update. Most one-on-ones are nothing more than status updates disguised as leadership. And if that's the way you've been having your one-on-ones, let's just take a moment to acknowledge that does not have to be the way you conduct your one-on-ones moving forward. More than likely, you are modeling behavior that was shown to you by your leadership, and you're doing what you know, what you are familiar with. The conversation typically goes like this Tell me what you're working on. What status updates do you have for me? Is there anything you need from me? And that's the conversation in a nutshell. That is not leading them. That is not you showing up as a leader. That is merely progress monitoring and tracking. That's it. And if all you're doing is tracking work, you are training your team to rely on you for direction instead of thinking for themselves. So this is where you need to show up differently. You have an opportunity here to show up with an intentional conversation, with a very simple framework I'm going to give you right now that you can start using immediately. So every one-on-one that you're conducting should include these three things: clarity, ownership, and growth. Clarity. Where are you unclear right now? Ownership. What are you taking responsibility for this week? Growth. What is one skill you are actively trying to improve this week? Clarity, ownership, and growth. If your conversations are not building on those three things, you are not leading. You are merely supervising. And supervising doesn't develop people. Leadership does. Your team is counting on you and depending on you to be the leader they need in this particular role inside of your organization. So, how can you show up and lead more impactfully, more effectively, differently?

Direct Feedback Early And Often

John Neral 6:54

Well, let's address the elephant in the room. Because one of the things leaders and people in general always struggle with is giving clear and direct feedback early and often. The second skill is you becoming the leader that is known for giving direct feedback that is timely, useful, and relevant. Your feedback does not hold a specific agenda against anyone. Your feedback is evidence-based, it is clear, it is direct, and it is intentional to move that relationship forward. If you are someone who has someone on your team and you have been purposely avoiding giving them direct feedback, be it around their performance, their output, their behavior, you are the problem. You're the problem because you in this leadership role are not doing what you are designed to do, which is address your team member and giving them direct feedback. I initially thought that the best way to give feedback was what Sherry Harley in her book How to Say Anything to Anyone calls the empathy sandwich. We say something nice, we say something for them to improve upon, we end with something positive. Well, our brains will only remember or mostly remember the last thing we hear. So if the last thing we end on when we're giving feedback is something positive, they're missing the boat. They're not going to pay attention to what you really need them to do. Most leaders, especially first-time managers, supervisors at this mid-career, mid-level role, you're too focused on being nice. Now, I'm not saying you need to be a complete and total jerk. Nobody wants that. But when you are so focused on being nice, what happens is you soften your message, you wait for the right time to talk to someone, which really means when you're ready to have that conversation. Or you save it for a performance review. I cannot begin to tell you how many times in my career I have had someone come to me and say they were blindsided at a performance review because they didn't know there was an issue with their performance. And now they have an unsatisfactory rating or they didn't get a big enough bonus that they thought they were going to get. And they sit there confused and resentful and angry because you, as the leader, didn't do your job. What that does is create confusion. And in a leadership role, you are tasked with providing clarity for your team. If your team doesn't know where they stand, they don't know what needs to change. And over time, that lack of clear messaging only leads into frustration, resentment, and underperformance. Can we begin to change the narrative that feedback is not confrontation? Feedback is your responsibility as a leader. And that means sometimes you have to deliver a tough conversation. I don't believe that 99.9% of the people in the world wake up in the morning and go, I can't wait to have confrontation today. I don't believe that. We as human beings are intrinsically not wired that way. We don't like conflict. We don't like to have a difficult conversation with someone. We want to be liked. And if everybody would just do their job and do it well, we as leaders would never have to have those conversations. But we know that's not reality. People need guidance, people need direction. And when people are not living up to expectations, we provide them with feedback that is helpful, it is clear, it is evidence-based, it is timely.

The XYZ Feedback Formula In Action

John Neral 12:14

One of my simplest feedback formulas that I have found to be extremely, extremely helpful in my career is a very simple XYZ formula. When you did X, it impacted Y. And going forward, I need you to do Z. When you did X, it impacted Y. And going forward, I need you to do Z. That's it. There's no over-explaining, there's no hedging, there's no softening. I remember working with an instructional coach who was observing or they were supporting a lesson, a middle school mathematics lesson, which for those of you who don't know, I spent 14 years as a middle school mathematics teacher. And then I moved into an administrative role where I was managing a team of instructional coaches. And I remember having a conversation with a coach one time. And I said, I said to them, and this is pretty much exactly how the feedback conversation went. Um, the teacher was giving a lesson on fractions. And sadly, they taught it incorrectly. And the coach didn't interject. And I was concerned as to why they didn't do this. This was this was part of my work and observing them. And so we had the debrief afterward. And I said to them, Did you realize that content was incorrect? And they said, Yes. And I said, Why did you not stop the lesson? And they said, Well, I didn't think that was my role. And I said, So now what you're telling me is that you were allowing the teacher to teach incorrect information that would only confuse the kids more when you have to go back and reteach it. Here's what I need you to do. When you're in a classroom and you are confident that a teacher has incorrectly taught the material, it is impacting those students in the room. They are believing what they are hearing to be true and the way they need to do it. And it is going to confuse them. They are not going to achieve the objective. They are not going to learn as we need them to do. So going forward, what I need you to do is promise me that when you are hearing material being taught incorrectly, you will professionally interject and course correct that lesson. Can we agree to that? Clear, direct, simple. And look, it's not an easy conversation to have, especially when we're trying to course correct behavior. But here is the truth, most people do not want to hear. If you're leading a team and they are surprised by feedback, if they are not used to getting feedback from you, you are failing them. This is what it means to show up and own where you are as a leader is accepting your responsibilities for where you are in the moment and doing quote unquote the right thing. You know your job. You know the job that the people on your team need to do. If they are underperforming, it is your job to deliver that feedback to them in a way that is clear, timely, relevant, and useful to help them meet the performance standards you need them to meet.

Advocate For Your Team When Absent

John Neral 16:27

And the third skill blends very nicely into this. Because when I say to you that feedback is not confrontational, I want feedback to be a culture within your team. That feedback is given in a way to support everyone on the team, including you as the leader. But when you're giving feedback, when you are trying to help your team improve their performance and those team members, their individual achievements, what you are doing is you are actively advocating for their growth. But here's where you're going to show up and you're going to take it a step forward. Your job is not just to manage or lead your team. Your job is to represent them when they're not in the room. Your job is to be their biggest advocate and cheerleader for the people who have decision-making authority about who gets more visibility, who gets promoted, who gets elevated. Because you and I both know that there are people sitting on your team who truly believe that if they just do good work, someone's going to notice. And you and I both know that's not how it works. That in order for us to truly own where we are and advocate for our careers, we ourselves have to show up differently. So here is what advocacy looks like. If you are in a leadership role, you have direct reports, you are responsible for their growth and development. Your advocacy for them means calling out their wins in leadership team meetings by name. You are going to single them out, identify them for the great work that they are doing, and you are going to recommend them for their next advancement opportunity. It doesn't always have to mean recommending them for a promotion. It could mean giving them a leadership role on a project, giving them a stretch project, having a different opportunity, increasing their visibility within the organization. You advocating for them means you're the one that gets to put the pieces of the puzzle together to connect their work to specific business objectives and outcomes that ultimately they can impact because you know they're the best person for the job. That's how they get visibility. That's how they grow. And let me give you the advanced layer. When you do that, when you advocate for your team, when you show up and advocate so strongly for them for those opportunities, that is also how you get seen as a leader. Because leaders don't just deliver results, they create opportunities. It is a way for you to show up and consciously protect and promote your brand as someone who advocates for their team while at the same time showcasing your excellence as a leader.

Consistency Builds Trust And Promotions

John Neral 20:14

So as we go to wrap up here, intentional conversations not only build clarity and ownership, but they are designed to move the relationship forward. When you're giving feedback, you are building performance and accountability. And you are advocating for your team in ways that build and enhance their visibility and their opportunity. And if you are not doing any of these, if you are missing one of these in some way, I want to offer you that your leadership is incomplete. And if you are inconsistent in how you are leading your team, your leadership is unreliable. And when your leadership is unreliable, there's no way they can trust you. And when they can't trust you, everything breaks down. This is the real issue for most mid-career professionals. It's not that you don't know what to do, it's that you're not doing it consistently enough to be seen differently. You and I both know you have an opportunity that you're looking for. You want to get promoted, you want that next role, you want the lead on that project, you want to make more money, you want to make more money for you and your family, and you're ready to take your career to the next level. The only Way you can do that is by showing up differently. And you show up consistently day in and day out. And that is exactly the work that we do inside of the show up leadership lab. Leadership is not built on knowing, leadership is built on how consistently you show up and execute. And that is the message inside of the show up leadership lab. This is where mid-career professionals like you come to build real leadership presence. We practice these conversations and they get coached on how they are actually showing up and how you think you are. If this is something you want to be a part of, I want you to come into the show up leadership lab. Because how you show up as a leader is what determines what's next. So check the show notes. You can see a link for the show up leadership lab there, or you can go to my website, johnnarrell.com forward slash show up. All right. You've got a big charge this week. So the last couple of weeks we've talked about changing the way you're doing your one-on-one meetings. This week we talked about enhancing your leadership skills. And next week is a really special episode because we're going to celebrate 350 episodes on this podcast. And I've got another great topic for you for next week. So until then, my friends, remember this. You will build your mid-career GPS one mile or one step at a time. And how you show up matters. Make it a great rest of your day.

Share The Show And Join Resources

John Neral 23:52

If you enjoyed this episode, don't keep it to yourself. Kindly share it with someone who needs it. And if you're tired of feeling stuck, overlooked, or underutilized in your career, go to my website, johnnerrell.com to get started. There you'll find free resources, ways to work with me, and details about the Show Up Leadership Lab, my signature membership for mid-career professionals who want to lead better, get noticed, and elevate their career. All the links are in the show notes. You can grab what you need right there. Feel free to connect with me on LinkedIn. And if you're getting value from the show, take 30 seconds to leave a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform. Remember, how you show up matters, and I'll see you next time.