328: Ask This Question To Reduce Holiday Drama & Honor Your Boundaries

Do holiday conversations, workplace tension, or family dynamics leave you emotionally drained and unsure how to respond? At mid-career, the pressure to stay composed, supportive, and “professional” can feel exhausting, especially when stress is already high in your job or career.

In this episode of The Mid-Career GPS Podcast, I introduce a simple but powerful communication tool called the Three H’s. With one clarifying question, you can stop guessing, set healthier boundaries, and respond with intention rather than frustration.

The Three H’s question is simple and direct:
 Do you want me to hear you, help you, or hug you?

That single question creates clarity, consent, and emotional safety in conversations at work, at home, and everywhere in between.

I break down how each option works in real life and why this framework is especially valuable for mid-career professionals navigating leadership pressure, burnout, and complex relationships.

Mid-career professionals are often expected to manage emotions, solve problems, and stay composed, even when they feel overwhelmed themselves. This episode explores how the Three H’s can help you:

• De-escalate tense conversations without withdrawing or over-functioning
• Set boundaries around hot-button topics at work or with family
• Respond to dismissive or frustrating comments with calm confidence
• Exit conversations that do not respect your limits
• Advocate for your own needs without overexplaining or apologizing

If you manage people, this framework can also transform your leadership approach. Opening one-on-ones with the Three H’s reduces advice overload, builds trust, and helps your team feel genuinely supported.

Ask for What You Need Without Guilt

I flip the script and show you how to use the Three H’s to advocate for yourself. You can ask for a listening ear, targeted help, or comfort and connection. You will also learn why it is healthy to accept that not everyone is available to meet your needs at all times.

That realization alone can reduce resentment, stress, and emotional burnout during a demanding season of life and career.

Chapters

• 0:00 A Holiday Check-In And Purpose
• 1:04 The Pressure To Fix Problems
• 3:27 The Three H’s: Hear, Help, Hug
• 5:19 Using The Question For Yourself
• 7:20 Boundaries In Tough Holiday Conversations
• 10:20 Grace, Availability, And Self-Protection
• 12:27 Year-End Tease And Closing Reminders
• 12:59 Follow, Connect, And Work With John

Transcript

John Neral: 0:00

Hey there. I'm taking a quick break in between wrapping some presents and baking some cookies and trying to finalize plans for the holidays and everything to come and do this episode with you because I've got something I think may help you get through the holidays just a little bit better. So it's not any kind of stress management technique or time-saving tip that I have for you. It's actually one question. And it's one question that you can ask someone whom you might be seeing during the holidays that when you ask that question, will give you more confidence in how you show up for them and for yourself while still honoring your boundaries. Let's get started. I help mid-career professionals like you find a job or career they love or love the one they have using my proven four-step formula. Happy holidays! I am sure you like me are in the midst of trying to get everything done and ready to go and enjoy the holidays. Whether you've already celebrated Hanukkah, you're getting ready for Christmas, Kwanzaa, festivists for the rest of us, whatever it is that you celebrate during this time, first and foremost, I hope you have an opportunity to make some memories and enjoy time with family, friends, and loved ones. Now, you might be seeing some people during the holidays that you love dearly, and maybe some you simply tolerate. And as a couple of dear friends of mine, we would often say, sometimes there is not enough frosting to get me through the holidays. But that being said, you know, sometimes someone's going to talk to you. And it it might be, it might be your spouse, it might be a parent, it might be a sibling, might be a loved one, whomever it might be. And you may be a little unclear as to how they want you to show up, but also how you want to show up. So for example, somebody might come to you and might talk to you about a particular problem. Maybe it's within their family or within their job. And you might feel this pressure that you have to fix it. And so, what I want you to consider here is that you don't have to fix everything. Honestly, you don't have to fix anything. It's not your thing to fix. And so, what I have found years ago when I started to um be a little more aware of situations and what was happening, that I could release all of that fixing energy by asking this one question. And in this question, there are three specific options. And those options are what you're going to ask of that other person to help you determine how they want or need you to show up for them in that moment. So the three options are three H's. And it's not ho ho ho for the holidays, but it's actually this someone's gonna say to you, Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? And they might unload or dump or share a whole bunch of things and say, in order for me to help you, do you want me to hear you, to help you, or to hug you? Do you need me to hear you, help you, or hug you? Sometimes people just want us to listen. We don't know what people are always going through. And so to hold space and simply listen, we could do that for them. Sometimes they may want us to strategize or problem solve, or they might ask us to fix something, and that's where we can help them. And sometimes people just want to hug. People just want to know that they're seen, heard, validated, and comforted that they're okay. So by simply asking them, hey, do you need me to hear you, help you, or hug you, you've now given them permission to ask for what it is they need. And when they ask, because you've offered those three options to them, you can then deliver. You can then provide that for them. And if they say, hey, I I just need you to hear me on this, you don't have to help them. You don't have to hug them. You just need to hold space and hear them. But here's the power in that question. And the power in that question is when you take the reins of it and you're talking to somebody and you say to them, Hey, I could really use your help with this problem I'm dealing with. Or you could say, Hey, um, I could really use you to just listen for a few minutes. Would that be okay? Or to simply say, Can I just have a hug? You get to take control in that moment as well. When we get to show up from a place of confidence and confidence in asking for what it is that we need, not so much what we want, but what it is that we actually need, we then find people who can show up for us in that way as well. It's it's something we do here at home, and and and we'll simply say to each other, hey, I need you to hear me for a moment. Or can you help me with this? It gives the other person an opportunity to know how they're they're needed to show up and whether or not they can play or not in that moment. But we have the ability, we have the agency, we have the power to ask for those things that we need and to also seek clarification for things from others so we know how to show up for them. It's actually very simple. It's also drama-free. Now, there might be conversations at your table or wherever you're at, and and conversations might get a little uncomfortable. There might be family drama or religious drama or political drama, whatever it might be. And if you don't want to be a part of those conversations, you don't have to be. You can excuse yourself from that. If somebody says to you, hey, how's your job going? And you're not really loving your job right now. Can you imagine saying to somebody, yeah, you know, it's it's been really stressful this year. We've had a lot of reorganizations and stuff, and I'm I'm doing okay and everything. And the person then says to you, you know what, you got a job. You should just be thankful for it. Just don't even worry about it. Be grateful you have a job. That doesn't help. That just negates all of the stress and pressure and anxiety that you're feeling because you're supposed to be grateful for you have a job, which sure you probably are on many levels, but probably not when you're having to do the work of two or three people. Or you have a boss that is undermining you, or you're trying to lead your team differently and you continually get pushback, that's not going to be helpful. You can also call them out on that. Yeah, I can understand why you might say something like that. But when you say that, that actually negates all of the pressure and stress I'm feeling. And since you asked me how I'm doing, I was just really hoping you could hear me on that. More than likely, they will go, okay, and they will go off and get a drink somewhere else and be like, I'm not going to talk to them for the rest of the night, and you don't mind. It's not about dismissing them, but it's about honoring your boundaries, your ground rules, you know, protecting yourself and putting your safety shield up, if you will, before going into those kind of situations. Because, yes, holidays are stressful. The one person you get to see every year doesn't need to be a whole dump fest. Everybody's dealing with stuff. You have an opportunity to ask for what it is that you need and then see if they can give it to you. And if they can't, okay, that's fine. You know, sometimes one of the hardest things we have to do with people whom are in our family or whom we're closest to is recognizing and acknowledging that sometimes they're just simply not available. They're going through their own stuff. It doesn't mean they won't be down the road, but maybe in that moment they're just not able to be there. We can give them grace and we can accept them for where it's at, if if that's something quote unquote out of the ordinary. We have to protect ourselves too. This year has been stressful. This year has been difficult and challenging for all of us with everything that we're dealing with. And 2026, yeah, not really sure what that's gonna look like either. So come back next week. We're gonna talk about some lessons learned from 2025 and heading into 2026 and what that's gonna look like. But just remember that you can ask someone what they need from you. Do they need you to hear, hear them, help them, or hug them? And you can ask the same thing from other people in return. I need you to hear me. I need you to help me. I need a hug. Whatever that is. But my friends, if you're traveling, be safe, be kind to one another. If you are spending time with family and friends, make memories. These next two weeks seem to go by so quickly, and yet they truly can be some of the most memorable and loving times during the year. If you've lost someone close to you this year, um, my heart goes out to you. The first, you know, the first holidays without a parent, a spouse, a loved one, a pet, they can be particularly difficult as well. And so give yourself some grace and some some space. Take care of yourself for what it is that you need. And may you make this holiday season um something that you need and something that you want for yourself. Okay. So I'll be back with you next week as we wrap up 2025. But in the meantime, my friends, remember this you will build your mid-career GPS one mile or one step at a time. And how you show up matters. Happy holidays to all of you. Be safe, be well, be back with you next week. Bye for now. Thank you for listening to the MidCareer GPS Podcast. Make sure to follow on your favorite listening platform. And if you have a moment, I'd love to hear your comments on Apple Podcasts. Visit johnnarrell.com for more information about how I can help you build your mid-career GPS, or how I can help you and your organization with your next workshop or public speaking event. Don't forget to connect with me on LinkedIn and follow me on social at John Daryl Coaching. I look forward to being back with you next week. Until then, take care. And remember, how we show up matters.